Louise Beavers was pregnant with her fourth child when she was told she had breast cancer. A month after her daughter was born, she was told the disease had spread to her lungs and was terminal. But the 42-year-old single mother said she had never felt so mentally well before, so she discussed it with NHS counseling services.
Louise bought pens and stationery to write her children’s final letters.
“I also have wax seals,” she told me. “There’s something special about a handwritten note. It’s so personal. You wrote it with your own hand. You made time to touch that paper.
“But I will only write them if my oncologist gives me a final countdown. Writing them will be the beginning of the end.”
Professionally taken photographs of Louise’s four children are arranged in a diamond pattern on the living room wall of the family’s home in the quaint Lincolnshire village near Gainsborough.
“My first strong thought was that my children would grow up without a mother,” says Louise. “That was the first thought that went through my mind when I was told I was terminally ill.”
Her children, ages 2 to 19, know of the diagnosis.
In January 2023, Louise discovered a lump in her breast, which doctors initially thought was the cause of her pregnancy.
Four months later, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and in September, a month after her youngest child was born, she was told she had a terminal disease.
Bromley, the family’s protective cockapoo, sprawls on Louise’s lap. In the corner of the room are children’s toys, including a Floor Lava board game.
Louise and her family are walking down a path no one else wants to walk.
“As the psychologist said, you can’t change what happened,” she says. “But I get to choose how I deal with this disease. This has been a very difficult journey. We have been transparent about my diagnosis and the conversation is always welcome.”
Louise’s younger children are now 2 and 5 years old [BBC]
Louise is calm today.
“It took me a while to get to where I am now,” she admits. “When the oncologist told me it was terminal, I screamed. It meant I wouldn’t be able to see my children grow up.
“When we got home, we all collapsed on the lawn and cried. The next day I spent the whole day sobbing. But the next day I thought I could live out the rest of my life, or I could just accept the situation and make the best of it.”
Early in her diagnosis, Louise was asked to complete a health questionnaire, which revealed that, in her words, she “needed a little help”.
She was referred to East Midlands Cancer Alliance for psychosocial counseling.
In addition to this, Louise underwent five rounds of chemotherapy and radiotherapy. She was due to give birth to her sixth child in 2023, but decided against it, believing it would be her last Christmas.
“I wanted to have fun with my family without feeling sick from chemotherapy,” she explains.
Louise also needs to receive injections every 12 weeks to force her body into early menopause.
“This was necessary because doctors believe the female hormones estrogen and progesterone are driving my cancer,” she says.
Every three to four months, Louise has a CT scan, which uses a contrast dye to show the cancer more clearly. The next one is scheduled for February.
So far, her symptoms have been stable, but she knows her cancer can mutate quickly.
“The anxiety never goes away, especially around scan time,” says Louise.
“But counseling teaches you coping mechanisms to manage it logically.
“It has allowed me to live the best life possible with limited expectations.
“It was a valuable service that gave me a sense of positivity despite the dire circumstances.”
Louise says there has been a big change in her way of thinking.
“I’m much calmer and have a much more positive outlook on even the most difficult situations,” she says.
back to basics
Louise, an assistant practice manager in a village GP surgery, uses her experience to help comfort others facing similar ordeals, but says living with a terminal illness has forced her to look at herself.
“I worked with a psychologist who fundamentally changed my life,” she says. “He took that as absolutely fundamental, and we worked to identify the morals and values that I hold dear to myself, and then rebuild my life so that I could live my life. I found that oddly fun.”
“The reason I’ve been able to survive so far is definitely thanks to the counseling I received.
“Despite terminal cancer, I am in the best mental state I have ever been in.”
Louise expressed concerns about the service she received after moving to a new provider.
The BBC referred her concerns to the NHS, but a spokesperson insisted the service remained effective and high quality.
The front door opens and slams shut. Her son came home from school.
Louise says the thought of leaving her children early wakes her up.
That’s the only time the smile disappears.
“There were several situations where I needed my mother,” she says.
“I know there will be times when my kids need me, but they won’t be able to call me.”
Bromley nuzzles into her.
“When I got really sick from chemotherapy, he went with me to my bedroom,” says Louise, massaging the dog’s floppy ears.
“He protected me. He didn’t let anyone get close to me, not even my mother. Dogs are very in tune.”
change your life
Louise is realistic. She knows cancer can take lives early, but she hopes that by sharing her story, it can help others facing similar challenges.
“Try counseling,” she says. “You’ll be surprised. Just like it was for me, it might change your life and make the rest of your days more enjoyable.”
Louise reaches for her phone and flips through her happy memories.
She stopped at a simple white wooden box with writing written on its surface. She said each of her children has one.
They keep her last letters and precious birthday cards.
On the front of the box are the words, “I may not be there physically, but my spirit lives on in you through the love and memories we made together.”
For now, paper and pens are still wrapped in cellophane.
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