Amber Glenn, who will make her Olympic debut at the Milan-Cortina Games, is fighting to retain the joy of the experience.

Glenn, a passionate advocate for mental health and LGBTQ rights, was just one of two skaters to land a triple axel in the women’s short program on February 17th. Normally, that would be enough for her to get the medal within range. (Another landing athlete, Japan’s Ami Nakai, led the women’s team to the finals.) Skating to Madonna’s “Like a Prayer,” Glenn performed a triple jump and triple jump combination.

However, when he performed a flying sit spin after practice the next day, he said, “I tapped into a spin that I would never do.” This caused her to lose her balance. “My core wasn’t stable and I felt a little like a noodle,” she said. Going into a triple loop jump, she was forced to pop out and completed only two revolutions.

“I’ve always been known to hide my heart. That makes me empathetic, but it also makes it difficult for me to hide my feelings. And in that moment, it was soul-crushing, because I had done the hard thing and the simplest thing – my favorite jump – was taken away from me.”

In a short program, mistakes like this can be very costly. Skaters in women’s events are required to perform a certain number of elements or skills, and the triple jump is one of them. Because he only performed a double, Glenn received no points for that skill. Glenn, who ultimately finished 13th, said, “It’s over. I can’t go back to the past.” “You can’t fix it. You could make a mistake and it’s over and you couldn’t just start off like you see in other sports.” [go] Into the forest. I wish I could do that. But they expect you to smile and still perform as if you’re having the best time of your life, even if in reality your dreams are shattered. ”

Not letting past mistakes affect the rest of her program is something Glenn has been working on, her coach Damon Allen told TIME before the Olympics. When he started coaching her, he knew that if Glenn’s start to the program didn’t go well, she wouldn’t be able to recover and the rest of the elements would be affected.

“It wasn’t the hardest thing to get over because there were no jumps after that,” Glenn said of continuing with the short program after failing the triple jump. “I fought on every level I could” to earn as many points as possible with her choreography, spins, and step sequences. “In the team competition, I failed at first, but I was able to push through to the end. That was definitely a testament to my growth over the years.”

When Glenn came off the ice, teammate Alisa Liu was there to provide support. This US women’s team is Glenn’s team. Ryu finished in 3rd place. Isabeau Levit, who finished eighth, has been making headlines not only for her skating accomplishments, but also for their unusually close friendship. The trio, who call themselves the Blade Angels, were united by a shared desire to break the mold of the rigid, regimented environment that has characterized elite skating for decades. In an environment where young girls in particular are subject to intense physical scrutiny and strict dietary restrictions with little say in most career decisions.

“It wasn’t until much later that I met Isabeau in the cafeteria, but Alisa was right there, hugging me and comforting me,” Glenn says. “I told her, ‘Go, enjoy, congratulations, enjoy this, go, go, good job.’ I wanted her to have fun more than comfort me. But she couldn’t care less about it. It was a different day for her, but I think that’s what makes her attitude about the sport so great. She can understand that it’s not — although there’s pressure, of course. [for her] It’s pure fun. ” All three girls advanced to the free skate final on February 19th.

Glenn has won three consecutive national championships, but the Winter Games are the biggest stage she has competed on. “I’ve done everything I can to prepare for this, but you can’t prepare for the Olympics without experiencing the Olympics,” she said. “I’ve come a long way. I never thought I’d be where I am today. So I have to look back and remind myself of that.”